Stone-sitting & Head-landing by Dirk Schmidt


A stone KNOWS where the ground is. Go ahead, take a look, tell me if you observe a stone just hanging about, mid-air, totally confused about where to find the ground. I submit, it simply doesn't happen. Take a stone, and drop it: It will find the ground, absolutely. I know. I've tried it. Even in outer-space, in the midst of vacuum and void, across fathomless stretches of emptiness, a stone will always be right in the middle of being pulled SOMEwhere, in SOME direction, by the gravity of SOMEthing-or-other.

Just HOW, exactly, is this information transmitted? There's some strange form of communication, seemingly, between the ground and the stone, of what we'd call mass and velocity, although I doubt either the stone or the ground think of it in those terms... And upon even further investigation, you'll notice this: There is no distinction for the stone between knowledge and action. They are one-and-the-same process. Why, the very instant the stone knows where the ground is, it gets a-move-on, pulled head-long into action by the gravity of the situation. In actuality, its actions are perfectly co-ordinated with whatever it senses, whatever it knows, and when it's meant to fall, it falls. Is it aware of this?

My mind has this abstract notion: For all its complexity, for all its mangled mesh of nerves and flesh, it is simply a stone. The gravity of millions upon millions of years of evolution compels it to eat, to sleep, to mate, and so on. It makes up names, complexities, abstractions, all in order to hide this simple truth from itself. It tricks itself into thinking, oh, I simply must be more than a stone, falling in a vortex, imprisoned by the whims of a gravitational field I don't fully understand...

I once read that you may place an amoeba in a petri dish. Everything is swell in that little petri dish, and the amoeba is just hanging out, feeling right at home; that is, until you place a drop or two of acid on one side of the dish. This single-celled organism, somehow sensing this unsatisfactory turn of events, gets the hell out of dodge, and high-tails it over the the NON-toxic side of the dish. Again, it is also demonstrating a perfect co-ordination between sensation, knowledge, and action.

Now, the difference between amoebas and humans is only some exponentially ridiculous number of cells, a great many of which are specially organized into a neural network with more connections amongst themselves than there are atoms in the universe, or stars in the sky (or so we're told...). I'd say, you'd be surprised at how small a difference that really makes. Our brains don't just simply DROP with the gravity of a situation. And so, never expecting that inevitable drop, when we DO get dropped, we're caught totally unawares.

A cat, though, has life figured out in this regard, and is always expecting a fall. If you drop it, it will land on its feet. It's true. I've tried it. I wonder how many years of evolution it took before the ones who were landing on their heads got bred out of the gene pool? Whatever the number, it probably took nine times longer than it should have... Yet here we are, humanity, the most evolved species on the planet (or so we're told...), and what are we up to? Head-landing. We LOVE landing on our heads. We simply ADORE it. We're silly with it, giddy with it, really. We'll land on our heads all day long, and then get up the next morning for another round.

But there it is, the silver lining: maybe one day we will learn to land on our feet. Even if it takes us nine times as long as a cat, which is eighty-one times longer than a stone. You see, the stone ALREADY sees no difference between knowledge and action, and also sees no difference between its head and its feet. It's all the same to a stone. It doesn't possess the fault of head-having, or make the mistake of being too brainy for its own good. It doesn't separate sense from knowledge. The only stone-sense is non-sense.

Yes, non-sense is nonsense, and it's actually the only one of your senses that you can fully trust. I say again: What's the good in making sense? The STONE doesn't make any sense. It just knows-and-acts-and-becomes, all in one fell swoop. There's all this sense-making around, and it's all a big bundle of head-landing. If you don't believe me, drop a sense-maker from some height, and just see how they land. Oh, I suppose they'll land on their feet once in a while, accidental-like. Drop them again, just to be thorough. Get a nice, large sample-size of dropped sense-makers, and then do the math. Don't be shy. Play with the variables. Drop them from roof-tops, cliff-sides, and mountain-tops. Give them various degrees of spin, at various velocities. Shoot them from cannons. Whatever it takes to fully convince yourself that the sense of sense-making makes no sense.

Yet there our brains go, all our little neurons firing to-and-fro like busy little bees, churning the chaos and non-sense of this blossoming-and-blooming world process into digestible-and-delicious honey-coated saccharine-sweetness, building up hexagonal-hives of inter-connected-conceptual-construction: A more ordered-and-patterned reality, for sure, but just as certainly LESS real than whatever the REAL “real” really is. It's really twisted, if you think about it. And then we go and on about it, and act on it, as if we know what-the-hell is going on. Head-landing. That's the thesis right there.

The problem is, we're always caught up in thinking, but we're not thinking about the thinking. What's more, we never stop to think that non-thinking, every now-and-again, might actually be a kind of thinking, a stone-sitting-sort of thinking, a primordial link to a knowledge-action-potential that is a unified process of knowing-and-becoming. The stones and the amoebas and the cats are really too modest to say so, but I can see it sometimes, if I happen to glance over at them, and catch them gazing at me... Have you seen it? The half-curious, utterly-disbelieving momentary stare that would be called smug, if it weren't so damn non-judgmental and utterly free of pretension. That right there is the non-confused, complete contentment of a stone-sitter...

Photograph by Roy Hamric

Where and When to Pull Your Pants Down in New York by Eric Nelson


I was sitting in the kitchen of a one bedroom apartment across from Tompkins Square Park on a Thursday evening, drinking Tecate and listening to an artist twice my age who I both admired and respected. We spoke about the popularity of prescription drug abuse amongst my generation and the tradition of writers who took speed to be productive. His girlfriend, a video artist based out of New York, exchanged smiles with the both of us, happy that her boyfriend was from Los Angeles. I was the kid in the candy store hanging out with someone twice my age who had designed iconic punk rock record covers with no formal art training, only to wind up in the Met and the Whitney. It was gonna be a good night.

A cab ride across the Williamsburg Bridge into Greenpoint later, we were soon inside a club, amidst band members who called his name and yelled "Yo, we gon get fucked up tonight, right??" I was offered an Adderall, which I declined, my buzz having been up-graded to a shitface, and an eight-hour workday lurking in the near distance.

It was at that point that someone said, "Hey, friends of friends who just got out of art school are here. They're putting together a porno magazine and are taking pictures. Would you like to be in it?"

The word “No” didn’t exist. Of course, my feet wouldn't move to the back porch until a woman finally grabbed me by the arm and guided me to a group of girls giggling to each other. One of them looked off in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on, but I shrugged it off.

Soon, I was signing a release form. One woman with a camera explained to me that they were simply taking 'cock shots" and that we would remain anonymous. After finally photographing my drivers license, I unbuttoned my jeans fly and flipped it out, half excited in my stupor for the attention. A few quick shots amidst a crowd and I was back inside, a shit-eating grin on my face.

"So, did they at least give you a fluffer?" my buddy asked.

It was pushing midnight. I turned around to find a RuPaul lookalike with a wig and a protruding Adams Apple leering at me, who I had recognized from outside. She immediately began hitting on me. Of course, her second question was:

"So, are you bi?"

Of course it was then that I realized the situation.

"Nope! Sorry! But your friend over there was pretty cute!"

The 'friend' was one of the women hanging out with the photographer. We eyed each other, and I decided to say hi.

Of course, by this time, that would prove to be impossible, as I could no longer hold a steady conversation with anyone. Wandering about, I passed her again, only to clam up. In the dressing room of the bands, I said goodbye to my friend and his girlfriend, only to walk home to the Bedford L train to head back to Queens, stopping to spend $30 on food that would go uneaten on my bed until the next day.

The next morning, I smiled as the elevated train rolled over the bridge in Manhattan, somehow able to recount the entire night's sequence of events. I emailed the tranny in hopes of meeting the mystery woman .

"Hey, let me know when you and your friends are hanging out again?"

But to no avail.

Some time later, I recounted the story to an audience during a reading at Pete's Candy Store, relating it to an incident at NYU Trinity Medical Center, where I also dropped my drawers. For a rectal exam.

With my usual charm of a homeless man, I cracked wise to the doctor.

“Just to warn you, I’ve never had a Brazilian wax. Sorry.”

To which she replied, “I’ve seen ‘em all.”

The joke was on me though when she shushed me after I screamed. It was still painful to sit on the subway nearly an hour after I left her office.

The promoter of the event later told me, "That's an actual magazine you know. Those girls are crazy." To my surprise.

Another six months passed before I was invited to a group brunch by a friend in Bushwick. We went to a new cafe, and I was introduced to everyone, including a woman who looked incredibly familiar. We talked and laughed for hours.

Upon leaving, she made a joke "Ha, that could go in my magazine!"

I paused.

"Wait, you do a magazine? Like what?"

I already knew where this was heading.

"I do a porn magazine for women."

"Holy shit! You took pictures of my dick! At a show in Greenpoint last year!"

She laughed and my jaw dropped to the ground, when she said,

"I remember! Guess what?! You're in the next issue we're working on!"

Image: Rolling Stone's Sticky Fingers album cover

Life Proceeds by Shawn McCloskey

Clear liquid in bottles
Five or six on a metal cart
My hands reach to one
But are strapped to arm rests.
If I could move the patients chair
I would use my teeth.

Terminals hum electric
Inside a sound proof center of science.
Surrounding a specimen,
Unseen figures operate behind tinted windows
Loose wires tickle my cheek.

Before exposed to white light
The person driving was texting the moon-
Flipping through contacts,
Flipping car over the railing,
-Floating past the moon,
A magnetic hand pulled me onwards like a dust-buster.


Angels dressed like metal projectors
Cat scans of my head
X rays cause hair loss
Cleanse the shell of toxins
Align repaired organs according to manual
Exchange lungs for gills
Substitute fins for feet
Reduce brain size to egg
Remove tube from ear canal.

Sliding out of the seat
And landing on the floor with a thud
My rubber flesh flops like a fish on a boat’s deck
Until two able arms calm my nervous tail
And my savior throws me out of his spaceship.

As I fall from grace
Stars whiz by like the shrimps I eat
Upon entering the ocean’s black.

untitled by Andria Alefhi

Ambulance went down my street, E 5th, just as I was turning the key in the lock on the front door so I couldn't jam my fingers in my ears. Ambulances are always going up 1st ave, down 2nd ave more popular. The east village seems to be the hot spot for sirens. Monday night at Dallas BBQ with Dori, we counted 4 siren varieties (fire, police, ambulance) in the span of 90 minutes.

On Monday evening, my biggest concern was packing the clocks in pizza boxes, painting my toe nails to celebrate the paranormal summer weather, calling my Aunt, and celebrating having finished the big project for 620 not as the very last minute. On Sunday, my biggest concern was the project and securing pizza boxes for clock delivery.

 Last night, Wednesday? I barely know what day it is. The last three days have been a literal, non-stop blur. I haven't had time to eat. My phone died yesterday and after turning it on and off and removing the battery about 50x over the course of a few hours, I accepted it. But I didn't have time to deal with ordering a new one. I was up until 1:37am having started studying for a midterm I realize I am ill prepared for, and writing a paper that was due yesterday. I was the only one in class that didn't have the assigned paper done. I thought it was due at the end of the semester. I hadn't checked the syllabus. A lot of classes don't exactly go weekly by the syllabus. Another student did ask me if I had finished my paper, and I actually (can't believe it, in retrospect) said I think the professor doesn't care about it. I then sat in said class, not comprehending the whole lecture because my mind was on the paper. I also didn't prepare for the class because I had not looked at neuroanatomy for 2 weeks since it has been spring break. I forgot that graduate students don't really take a spring break. He then handed out midterm grades, and I got the lowest grade in class.

I am fallible. I also feel like, hey, I could quit at any time. I don't have to do this program. I reflect when the going gets tough, I kind of review the road ahead of me, my age, my career thus far, what I want to be doing with my time. The longer I spend in school the more opportunities where I fall off the balance beam between student and professor, in the same department, which is sticky.

Yesterday I also forgot to go to an interpreting assignment that I accepted a month ago.

Today I was within a foot of being hit by a bus because I literally did not look to my left when crossing the street, in a hurry to get into the shade, because I forgot to apply sunscreen this morning. Sun on my face in this condition, being a recent rosecea flare-up is the equivalent of a heart attack.

 Last week Wednesday instead of being up until 1:37am trying to write a paper on electroencephalogram (which I started 24 hours ago and barely know what it means) I was in pajamas and on the couch with my aunt and dad, watching Wheel of Fortune, free on-demand movies, and being in bed by 11pm.

 My dad today: woke up at 8:35am. Got 6.5 hours of sleep. Decided whether to go to Mogador for a sit down breakfast (ha, a dream! in present condition) or work on either: ordering a new phone, my neuro paper, email student who may fail my class I did all three. I left the house late and did not get breakfast. I also did not complete the phone order.
 
Went to a job at 10:30am. Got lucky and client did not come. Used the time to order new phone, as life is on hold with broken phone. Picked up lunch and went to teach class. Ate lunch while walking. Taught class from 12:30-2pm. Tried to find neuro professor to see if I was on right track with paper. He did not have time to discuss. Already late to 3pm job, and it was much farther away than I thought. Walking, starving, towards job, I used last 2 dollars to go 2 blocks in a cab. Job called me to see if I was coming but my phone is dead.

 Cannot eat after job either because I have no money in wallet.

Walk directly to train and train gets stuck in tunnel 15 minutes at Brooklyn Bridge. Late to class and needing food I can eat with an ATM card, I pick up a burger and eat it in the 5:30pm class that I get to at 6:05pm. I listen to students complain about the problems they are having in their lives this week while I try not to think about mine. Get home at 9pm. Try to decide where the controls and decisions in my life. Try to decide why I am in these situations where I am not prepared.

Situations where I am over worked. Why am I taking on this graduate program? Do I even want to? Don't even have time to have an opinion.

I close the window in the living room that Jon opened. He thinks it's fresh air. I think it stinks.

 Since I last checked email (no phone) at 2:10pm, I have 33 new emails.

Birth is Murder by Dirk Schmidt

I think "birth," or rather the act of conception, is murderous.

Now, to meet the strict definition of murder, the act of conceiving fails to meet a single obvious criteria: That of being "unlawful." Let's disregard this for the moment. Certainly we can all appreciate that, at times in our human history, certain acts of despicable morality have been deemed permissible by law (slavery, for one). 

Instead, let's focus on the other 4 conditions that must be present to meet the legal definition of "murder." (1) The killing (2) of a human being (3) by another human being (4) with malice aforethought.

Now, let's consider "birth." (1) ALL deaths (2) of ALL humans (3) are the inevitable consequence of their conception by their human parents. I submit for the court's consideration that any birth whatsoever submits the victim to a sentence of death (a.k.a., it kills them) at some arbitrary point in their future. Furthermore, the victim suffers psychological trauma of the greatest degree in not knowing when this sentence shall be carried to term. (Pun intended).

Perhaps, you say, but what of condition (4), malice aforethought? "Murder," at least in the legal sense, requires an intent to kill. This is called "malice aforethought." One definition of this malice is the "reckless indifference to an unjustifiably high risk to human life," the conscious disregarding of a risk to death (the common example being the operation of a motor vehicle while intoxicated).

While there is generally no intent to kill present when a couple conceives, there can be no argument against the following fact: Every single human being ever to be born will die. That is, the conception is one that is DEFINITELY recklessly indifferent to an unjustifiably high risk to a human life. Actually, this single act carries the highest possible risk (wouldn't you agree that 100% risk is "unjustifiably" high?)!

Just as a drunk driver has no intent to kill anybody as they climb into the car, the conceiving couple has no intent to kill anybody when they conceive. The law just says being unintentionally stupid is equivalent to being an intentional asshole. Everyone knows it to be the case that an episode of drunk driving could potentially lead to death. Just as everyone knows it to be the case that every birth leads to death; the risk is consciously disregarded. (The operation of genitalia while under the influence of intoxicating chemicals, a.k.a. "baby fever.")

So you've taken it upon yourself to defend these murderers? Perhaps, you'll argue, there are "mitigating circumstances." Your clients' minds were unbalanced, their judgment was affected by the demonstrable biological urge to procreate, and we ought to consider a reduction to manslaughter.

Perhaps. I suppose that's up to a jury of your peers to decide. Though the fact that their "diminished responsibility" was caused by a completely normal and not an abnormal state of mind will certainly set a new legal precedent. (I'm sorry, but to claim the death was "unintentional" is not a legally viable option: We've already determined that it is easily anticipated, and 100% avoidable [there were a wide variety of birth control and abstinence options available to your clients at the time of their heinous disregarding of human life, a.k.a. "conception"]).

Dear Mom and Dad; Please retain a lawyer.

To Work by Edward Eberle


She set out along her way
Leaving the house,
Now quiet and still.
On she went,
Step by step, following the routine of life.

She now turned right,
And headed down the sidewalk,
Along side the street.

Dressed in full, to ward off the cold:
A down coat, glowing bright and red,
Hat, covering her head,
And touching over her ears,
Boots, black and long and warmly insulated.

In her hand was a briefcase,
Full of work: papers, books, binders.

She continued along her way,
Blowing the cold from her lips,
Walking steadily,
Looking down to see what was on the ground,
Trying to avoid the ice and snow

In her mind were her thoughts:
Planning for the day ahead,
And then looking beyond that
In tune with herself,
A certain rhythm.

She continued to make her way
And then she arrived.
She was at the bus stop.
Waiting just for a moment or two,
And then the bus came.
She bounded aboard
And off to work she went.

Someone Else's Daughter by Sharon Steel

In the middle of the eulogy at my mother’s boring and heartbreaking funeral, I started to think about calling off the wedding. My father and Kate. She was wonderful the entire time my mother was incapable of doing anything except utter small noises, point abstractly to things, sleep, and eat the food the home-care nurses fed her when I wasn’t around. Kate took care of Dad, she brought him back to life when my mother’s figuratively, if not literally, ended. I didn’t blame him from falling in love with her. I blamed my mother for letting him go. I know I was supposed to be furious with him for what he had done, for giving up on her before she was truly gone, for not being there when he promised he would. But I wasn’t there when my father and my mother made those promises to each other eighteen years ago, and I had every reason to believe that they had failed each other—or, really, that she had failed him—for a long time now. They wouldn’t have lasted. So why not?

 

I knew this would happen eventually, not just the way everyone quietly comes to the realization that their parents will die someday. No, I understood that it would happen soon, and that it would give my father the chance to start over, maybe with the person he should have been with in the first place. I just never expected to encourage him, to push my parents apart like I really meant it, the same way most kids beg and plead and scream for their parents to stay, stay, stay, they’ll do anything, just please stay. Go. Please, go.

 

But we hadn’t even put my mother’s body in the ground, and all I could think about was the mistake I had made. I knew Dad and Kate thought it was their secret. They didn’t know I already knew he had proposed, that they were waiting, bright-eyed, for this day to get here, so they could both finally move on, in tiny, sensitive-seeming baby-steps, of course, out of respect. That meant so little when there was already a black velvet box with an antique ring in my father’s desk drawer. I heard them whispering; they thought I was with her, huddled away in the back of the house where it was safe. As soon as I saw it, and imagined my father choosing it with fear and care, I wanted to erase my existence. I bit it back. I shut the drawer. They should have their chance. I could give them a fair shot. 

 

My dress was too tight. The Rabbi sounded idiotic. There were still pill bottles on the dresser and instructions on the bulletin board. I could help them put everything away. I would give my father what she never could. It wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t so terrible, now that I thought about it. Some people didn’t need very much time. Maybe I didn’t need time. Maybe, afterwards, I could call Kate my mother. Maybe it would make her happy. Maybe it would make me sane. Maybe I would let her hold me, and tell my father to go away. She would push my hair behind my ears and tell me that I was nothing like her, that my blood had none of her blood in it. She would cut her thumb and cut my thumb and press them together and say, see? You’re mine, now. She was never here. You were never hers.

A simple procedure (by Vanessa N)

It's a simple procedure really.

If it becomes engorged, you drain it first,

then simply remove it with a few quick,

sharp snips.

Repair the hem with another few stitches.

Next, you can attach the heart to a new sleeve, or just throw it away.