A message from John McCain (by Will Lasky)

My fellow Americans,

As some of you may or may not know, my father was captain of a sea going vessel, a ship. It was a big ship and it was a mighty ship. He was an Admiral. He wore the whole outfit, and the main thing to consider is that it wasn't a question of color - it was white, but so were all, all the other admiral's outfits. They were all white, don't you see? Because it's an old navy custom to have all white outfits. That's just the tradition, don't you see?

Now, I happen to be a captain. A captain of an airplane. A great flying mechanism. But in a McCain-Palin presidency, I will invoke captain's privilege and trade in my wings for a ship. The name of this ship will be America, and I will keep it strong. When certain people try to get a free ride on my ship, I will put them in a dinghy floating behind the ship. Yes, behind. The correct nautical term is wake. These people will float along in the wake, and it may be a bumpy ride for them. I will put William Ayers there, in wake X-ray, in the dingy, along with his extremist friends. I will give him a hook and a fishing line and he will have to learn how to work for his bread just like so many other hard-working American men and women.

Joe the Plumber will have a place on my ship as will every other American who works for his bread. Joe the Plumber has an important place aboard ship America. I will be standing on the bridge, navigating at the huge wooden steering wheel, my great captain's pipe alight. The correct term for that is briar. And the briar will be lit. And Joe the plumber will be my coxwain. No, that is not innuendo. I believe you don't know the first thing about piloting a ship. As a captain, I have the experience to navigate this ship, this ship America. And Joe the Plumber will be my coxwain, and the ship will be strong and will be made of metal to keep out Russian aggression and Islamic extremism. And the other core conservatives will be there too. Henry Kissinger will be there. He may have his own private cabin, but then again, we may hot bunk. It's a very standard practice, if you are familiar with the practices of our service men and women, which I think that you aren't.

Now, you have a choice November 3rd. You have a choice between a captain, with his own ship, with the experience to navigate the ship, with Joe the Plumber as his coxwain and Henry Kissinger there too, or you can choose a man who is not a captain, whose father wasn't an admiral, and who doesn't know the currents, the way they flow. For you see, a knowledge of the currents is essential and such a knowledge can only be learned through experience. And we need a president with the knowledge, to tame the currents, to understand and to grasp that big wooden steering wheel and hold it tight! It's a big job. I am a captain. I already said - I will invoke captain's privilege, don't you see?! I don't know what kind of dinghy! That's non essential! It's a dinghy! A small craft. A dinghy is a small, inflatable craft.

by Will Lasky